Today, we started something new. Sunday Momday is what I will call it for now.
If you follow any of my personal social medias, you may know that I took a bit of a hiatus for a the past week or so. I just deleted the apps on my phone, so that I would be less tempted to check in. It all started from me just having a really rough time mom-ing. Well, I guess I was mom-ing okay, but I wasn’t doing much more than that. I was just scraping by, and hating every second of it.
Before you throw your coffee on me… I don’t mean that I hate being a mom, or that I hate my children, or my responsibilities as a mother, or as a partner or friend or what have you. I just hated knowing that every second of my life consisted of taking care of 2, beautiful and amazing, but also quite demanding, children. I woke up each day, just wanting the day to end so I could go back to sleep. Call it whatever you want, but I was miserable. Once I got the kids down at night, I was done for the day. If the house was still a mess, so be it. I was done. If Will needed to vent about work, he could do it while I hid under the covers and prayed that a child wouldn’t wake up before I could fall asleep. I was keeping my kids alive, but that’s all. Everyone could see it. I was trying so hard to pull out of it, because I too saw it happening, but each day seemed to knock me down more and the climb up started to seem worthless to even attempt.
Will and I talked about it. We tried to come up with a solution. I’m also really hard headed when I’m upset, so it was hard to talk about too. I wanted to be that super mom. I should be able to handle anything thrown my way. I felt bad about feeling bad. I didn’t want to admit my faults. But things were getting out of hand. We tried things that would help for a very short period of time. I would be stressed and we would go buy some things for the house I’ve been needing and that would be relief… while we were out doing it. We’d go out for dinner, but it would only be nice until we got home or a child starting screaming. That’s when we figured it out!
I needed some reset time. Some time where I decide what I do. Everyone does. Mine was just LONG over due. Everywhere I go, my kids are with me, which limits the places we go sometimes. I don’t get my nails done anymore because…. well… could you image that with a wild 2 year old and a screaming 5 month old? I never shower alone and if I do, I am rushed out, mid shampoo, to save RA because she climbed up and slid behind the back of the couch and couldn’t get out. It’s a miracle if I put make up on or do anything with my hair. Again, all of these things are the things I know I will look back on, laugh about, and treasure later. Most of the time, I am even able to laugh at it in the moment… because that’s what parenting is. Keeping your kids alive, while you try to teach them how to keep themselves alive.
I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I’m not. I’m explaining. I’m just trying to help you see where my mind was, without having you also think my children aren’t safe. They totally are. Even when I was in this funk, anyone around could tell you that I didn’t let my kids see it. They don’t need my problems and I know that.
We finally analyzed it and found it. Sunday Momday!
I needed off duty time. I needed some Amanda Time, per say. I just needed to reset my mind a little, do some things for myself without the anxiety-ridden feelings in my gut about when I’d have to stop midway through. At the same time, Will is a work-a-holic. He has a hard time stepping fully away from work. He has big dreams, that I admire, so try not get in the way of that. He’s a great father, but with him working so much, he doesn’t get much quality time with the kids.
SO, Sundays are now MY day….. well, kind of. Will still wakes up in the morning at 4am and works for a few hours. Once we’re all up for the day and going, he comes in and takes over. Him and the littles get a couple hours of daddy time and mommy gets a couple hours of solitude. THAT’S what I needed. I’d read it a thousand times. “Take care of yourself. Don’t forget to do things for you and not just your kids. blah blah blah”, but I ignored it. I was failing if my kids weren’t put first all of the time… or that’s how I felt. But all the sayings are right. I can’t be my best for them, if I’m not at my best. Sometimes that means stepping away, to recollect myself and analyze my goals with a clear mind.
Today, I was going to post a recipe (I have several that just need to be put together!), sweep and mop my kitchen, and finish laundry. Instead, I took a shower and stayed in there until my hot water ran out, put back on my pajamas, and wrote this post. The kids and their daddy are waiting on me now. We’re going to go shopping as a family, and get that family time I do cherish so much! Maybe I’ll do those things on my list later. That’d be awesome, but I already feel so good, refreshed, and ready to tackle this week as the best person I can be. I’ll get those things done when I get them done. RA just ran in here with some sticks in her mouth, so looks like it’s time to run!